Fic: The Tower O' Doom - Day Three

[wyndewalker]

Title: The Tower O' Doom or Xander vs Sauron

Author: Wyndewalker

Xover Fandom: Lord of the Rings

Summary : Xander refuses a non-union job.

Challenge: twistedshorts August-Fic-A-Day

Authors note: Pure crack

Rating: PG-13 

Word Count: 762 according to Word

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Lord of the Rings or Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  All rights belong to their owners and I merely borrow the characters for your amusement.

"Wait. Hold up a sec and let me see if I've got this straight. You sent out your butt-ugly minions here because you need someone who actually has a clue about construction to help rebuild your big ole tower of doom from which you plan to take over all of wherever the hell I am. So Tweedle-Dum, Tweedle-Dumber, and Mr. Butt-Fugly here opened a dimensional portal, kidnapped me and now you think I'm going to just do the Snoopy dance of joy for the opportunity to work for a big evil flaming eyeball? Yeah right."

::YOU WILL OBEY ME OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES::

"Mmm. Nope. Not gonna build your tower of doom for ya."

::THROW HIM IN THE PIT::

The dark-haired young man found himself tossed unceremoniously into, well, a pit. About ten feet in diameter, fifteen feet high with a grated lid that had some lovely spikes facing downwards to discourage attempts at escape. After checking to make sure there were no holes in the walls where something could crawl out to get him he took a seat on the stone floor and leaned back against the stone wall. There were a few minutes of silence.

"Anyone feel like a song? I feel like a song. Let me know if you've heard this one before.

"Oh, nine hundred ninety-nine Orcs staked to the wall. Nine hundred ninety-nine Orcs. Take one down, smack it around. Nine hundred ninety-eight Orcs staked to the wall!"

~~~~~

"The wheels on the bus go round and round. Round and round. Round and round. The wheels on the bus go round and round all day long!"

The two orcs who'd been nicknamed Tweedle-dumber and Butt-Fugly, which was actually an improvement over their real names of Glurk and Urg, were sitting huddled by a fire near the pit. They had been assigned guard duty for failing to bring back someone more amenable to their Master's plans.

"Master is most unhappy," Glurk commented.

Butt-Fugly aka Urg glared at him.

"Master had Kruk torn limb from limb," Glurk continued. Urg glared harder.

"Do you think Master will do the same to us?" Glurk whined. Urg contemplated tossing Glurk in the pit with the Man-creature just to see what would happen.

"Do you think the Man-creature will ever cease his noise?"

Urg swung his blade in a vicious blow. He grunted in satisfaction when Glurk's head parted cleanly from his neck.

There was a short pause in the singing.

"Oh, the windows on the bus go up and down. Up and down. Up and down. The windows on the bus go up and down all day long!"

~~~~~~

"It's a small world after all!"

::REMOVE THE MAN-CREATURE FROM THE PIT AND RETURN HIM TO THE FIERY HELL FROM WHENCE HE CAME::

The young man was pulled from the pit and dragged by Urg and another Orc towards the dimensional portal they opened up.

"Well, guys, I can't really say it's been fun. Oh, by the way. Your boss might want to see a doctor or something. I noticed his eyeball was twitching pretty badly."

The two orcs tossed him through the portal without a word and quickly sealed it behind them.

On the other side the young man landed at the feet of two beautiful blonde women. One was holding a long-sword and a wooden stake while the other was clutching a crossbow. Over to one side by the car he'd been kidnapped from were another blonde woman and a red-haired woman.

"Where have you been, Xander Harris!" The blonde clutching the crossbow shrieked.

"Good to see you to, Ahn," he replied. "Buff. Wills. Tara. I see the cavalry was mounting up. How long was I gone?"

"About three hours," Willow answered. "I was about to cast a locating spell. Where were you?"

"Huh. Felt like a lot longer. Hell if I know where I was. Some other dimension I think. This big evil flaming eyeball named Sauron wanted me to be foreman of his crew of ugly minions and build him a big tower of doom to take over the world from. I told him no."

"And he just let you go?" Buffy asked skeptically.

"Well, he threatened torture so I brought out the big guns," Xander smirked.

"What big guns?"

The smirk got wider. "That's my little secret. So anyone want a ride home?" He asked unlocking his car. The girls quickly stowed their weapons in the trunk and got in. As he started the car Xander began to hum a little tune.

Finis